Beginings

I use to hate being a beginner. When I lived on Mt Hood, I waited till no one was around to take a run through the park. I enjoyed my speed runs through the trees when no one was looking and it wasn't until I felt like I could ride that I felt really comfortable around the rest of my friends. I rode with them while I was learning but the sense of guilt and shame for sucking was huge. Silly I know. I blame it on being an only child and a serious sense of competition. As an only child I grew up around adults and liked to be good at everything I did, and living up to the expectation of being a little adult. Up until highschool I was kind of a know it all, and prided myself in excellent school work and following the rules, and well, knowing it all.

Being a beginner is a vulnerable place for me. It leaves me feeling insecure and inadequate.

When I started my business  it was important to me that I came into it with experience but starting out was hard for me because it made me feel like a beginner again. Now that I have to rebuild as a  cash practice, I am beginning again. I want to network and I feel it is crucial to meeting the right people who are perfect for my practice and who could benefit from the services I offer.

Now, I can talk, I will talk your ear off if you get me started. I have a lot to talk about. The problem is, I don't know how to start. I never thought of myself as an introvert but I was recently talking with a counselor, I enjoy the occasional talk therapy sessions, and we came up with the idea of me as an introvert. It sounded completely absurd at first but then there it was and it totally rings true. I have never been a friend collector, I prefer very close long term friendships to many many friendships that lack the intimacy. I prefer conversations with one or two close friends to small talk with a lot of people.

So now I want to network which specifically means two things for me. 1. I have to go at it as a beginner, I am not good at it and I can't pretend to be, I have never done it before. 2. I have to try enjoying small talk with many different strangers.

Fortunately, I have had a change of heart about beginnings. I attribute this to my new found sense of self, while I have always felt pretty self assured, marriage, babies and various other life changes had left me reeling. Moving my business home, feeling a deeper and deeper connection with my husband and a greater sense of my strengths as a parent as well as many challenges I have faced and overcome in the last year, have all given me a greater sense of self then I have ever known before. Now I actually prefer to be a beginner! I realize that being a beginner, if accepted openly, offers so many more opportunities for growth than being an expert. I will be forced to learn and do things that are uncomfortable to me but I can always say, "I'm just learning this, it's ok if I screw it up or fail. Eventually I will get it."

My first networking event is this Thursday, wish me luck and maybe I'll have some beginners luck!
~M